Jujube

Chapter 39 My Brother

"He needs healthy love."*

//

When I woke up from the train that morning, it was foggy outside, and my eyes were white, and I couldn't see the way forward or retreat.

When did the error start?Notes and train tickets in a piggy bank?I've thought about this question a lot, but never had a clear answer.Maybe start with "I have a troublesome brother":

1.

I have a brother who is very troublesome.

On the first day I moved to Meng Guanghui's house, my mother told me not to treat Meng Guanghui's youngest son as a younger brother.This child has bad feng shui, less than a year after his birth, his mother ran away with someone.

It's called Meng Li.When I first moved in, he was standing at the door, staring at me without blinking, and I thought he would bark like a dog.But that day he was very quiet, as quiet as a mute.

When the little mute called my brother for the first time, he was very loud. At that time, he was jumping off the top of the wall, and when he was about to die, he screamed and his ears hurt.He was afraid that I would not catch him, so he shed a lot of tears in order to "jump down".The most troublesome thing about my brother is his tears. He is very good at crying. No one has ever cried in front of me like him. I tried to wipe the tears away, but I couldn't seem to wipe them off.

I know why he is called Mengli, because pears are pears with rainy pear blossoms.

Those eyes were hiding behind the tears, timid, timid in the tears, cute in the eyes.When my brother used them to visit me, there was often a kind of willing trust.I knew he was trying to please me, like a puppy that wags its tail, and just wanted to make people like him and be nice to him.I don't hate having a brother like that.

But I am not a qualified brother.As an older brother, I should wipe his tears away, but sometimes I make him cry too.

One year in spring and March, Meng Li ushered in his puberty.A boy’s puberty often begins with a wet dream. My younger brother was at a loss for his physical changes. I forgot how I was at that age, but I still vividly remember the panicked back of my younger brother when he ran into the toilet in the middle of the night.

I woke up one night to find my brother masturbating in front of me defenseless, which is a normal thing to do, but the cowardly brother was so freaked out that I suddenly thought I should teach him something.

It was my brother's duty, but it was also a false start for me.

Meng Li's expression was shy and helpless. He closed his eyes tightly, not daring to look at his naked part. As soon as I held it, I felt that he was being hardened by me.It felt weird for a split second, and then I realized my brother was crying.His growing, mimosa-like body leaned against me limply, panting controlled by desire. For some reason, I was easily distracted, and when I was distracted, it was easy to forget that he was my brother.

I vaguely felt that the two of us had an overly intimate contact, and there was always a subtle strangeness in the process. Meng Li's tears were connected with lust, which left a deep impression on me.

Iron will rust when it is exposed to rain, and it is prone to mold in damp places, so will too many tears spoil the relationship?I have watched Meng Li's tears for a long time, and felt my brother's full and abundant emotions, every drop is so sensitive and fragile. —At first I gazed at it, then it seduced me.

My brother is beautiful, and his beauty appeals to me.Sexual attraction is dangerous between anyone, and I was kissing my brother when I found out.I never thought I'd kiss him, but I did.

Everything was out of control at the time.I kissed him, and my brother responded jerky but worked hard, from drunk to waking up, confused and infatuated.We gain undeserved comfort through this behavior.

I realized that I had a desire for him, the moment I pulled the quilt over his eyes, I tried to treat him as someone else, but I was really drunk, no one would have thought that the quilt would not help, I Meng Li's delicate face and body are still completely presented in front of her eyes.At this time, he called me "brother", and I finally woke up from the deviant thoughts.

Meng Li was flustered because of his cheating, but he didn't know that his brother watched every step happen but didn't stop it in time.I saw Meng Li approaching me, her body and breathing were careful, out of curiosity, I wanted to know what he was going to do, and then he let me know.

I used to think my brother was a coward until that moment when I realized I was totally mistaken.

Many of my judgments about Meng Li were not necessarily correct, because it included my elder brother's natural contempt for my younger brother. For example, I taught him how to fall in love later. I thought that if I didn't teach him, he would be spoiled by Pan Guizhi.Meng Li doesn't understand anything, he wants to fall in love like a child wants sugar, is it sweet?It's nothing, if you eat too much, you will get tired of it, and if you don't give it to him, you will chase after him.

I underestimated both his love and my own desires.

I remember that night Mengli cried pitifully. I kept looking at him and saw him get into the shed like a homeless puppy. At that time, I suddenly thought: If I don’t take him back, he will go away by himself. go home?Or really stay overnight in the shed?

I think it's the second type.

So I approached him, feeling that I was heading for a tempting mistake that had to be made.Maybe it's not that he wants to fall in love with me, but that I want to fall in love with him.

The moon that night was like a crumbling tear. When I wiped away the tear, I thought that someone should lead him to fall.

2.

I thought about my future with my brother.

In the evenings of three or nine days, Meng Li often did her homework in my room, lingering after finishing her homework, and shyly crawled into the bed against the wall.This child is so obedient, just laying down, he always curls up by the wall by himself, warming himself up without moving, and then moves towards me.

In the middle of the night, he groped under the blanket, rubbing every part of his body into my palm, acting like a baby unconsciously.I was also groping, and Meng Li and I were groping for a secret relationship in a windowless room at the same time.

A room without windows, so narrow that you can't see the future, only the dark and inescapable lust.

He wants me to teach him how to kiss.Meng Li's mouth was slightly open, very wet and soft lips, I explored it, at first it was just fresh, I observed my brother's reaction, and saw a layer of fragile tears welling up in his eyes.I don't know when, suddenly I felt my brother's insanity, I forgot that I was teaching him, and was overly involved.Kissing my brother is obsessive.

At that time, I didn't realize that I was leading Meng Li into a dangerous relationship.

A child who lost his mother since he was a child, and then lost his father, fell in love with his elder brother when he was in adolescence longing for intimacy. This kind of relationship is mixed with strong family affection. He needs the love of his elders, not the love of his elder brother.I broke him, I made my brother abnormal.

At that time, Meng Li desperately searched for a sense of security in me, to make up for all the gaps in the relationship, including family affection, including love.But elder brother and love, the combination of these two words is ambiguous, no matter which end it falls on, it will get out of control.

When Meng Li was kneeling at the door and weeping, I saw his red eye circles, the tears passed through his nose, and the nose was also red, that kind of red was weak and trembling, I guess he had been frozen in the wind for at least half the night, this The refusal at the time was cruel to him.

I clearly saw a knife in my hand, and my brother was forced to scrape the bone to heal the poison. From his tearful eyes, I felt a sharp pain, and I didn't know whether it came from him or myself.

3.

After Meng Li ran away from home, I searched for him between Baiquedang and the county town for a month, and every time I returned home in vain, my mother's face showed a relieved expression.

She told me that it was not her own, and she would run away sooner or later.Then I pushed the "biological one" in front of me. I looked at Sun Yanming and felt that he was not like my younger brother, but more like Meng Guanghui's son.This is completely opposite to Meng Li. Meng Li was raised by me, and there is no trace of his father in him.

My mother wanted Sun Yanming to take Meng Li's place, and he always dangled in front of me during that time.When I came home from get off work in the evening, Sun Yanming was sitting on the small wooden table in the yard scratching his head and doing homework.

Meng Li also sat here when I was a child. At first, he seemed a little afraid of me. When I came back from school, I could often see him hurriedly packing up his homework and leaving the desk empty, as if it was for me.I remember one time he left out something, it was a sweet-scented osmanthus bag, which was still hot.I took it back to him, but he didn't seem to want to pick it up, and didn't say a word.

Sun Yanming's grades are not good. I once saw him squatting in the corner to strike a match and destroy a test paper that would get him beaten.When I walked into the house, Sun Yanming acted very nervous, as if a thief who had hidden stolen goods was suddenly searched.I took a look at his homework and estimated that he would not be able to enter high school in the future.

There is unfairness between people from the moment they are born, and it becomes more difficult to be fair after that. I found that I was unfair to my two younger brothers.

Sun Yanming swayed before my eyes during the day, and Meng Li's tears frequently appeared in my dreams at night.Sometimes I dream that I found him or that he came home and wake up and think, He should leave me.Dreams and reality repeat this paradox endlessly.Until one day, the contradiction was thrown in front of me.

Sun Yanming has been naughty since he was a child. After Meng Li left, he sneaked into Meng Li's room to play games, so I locked the door.But Sun Yanming has the ability to pick locks with a kitchen knife, which I didn't know.

I went home early that day, and suddenly found Mengli's room door ajar. For a moment, I felt my emotions fluctuate violently involuntarily.When he opened the door, he saw another scene: Sun Yanming was sitting on the ground with a screwdriver in his mouth and a pair of pliers in his hand, concentrating on prying the drawer.The piggy bank that Meng Li had used since she was a child appeared in front of me when Sun Yanming opened the drawer.

Whenever I think of this moment afterwards, I will think of the sunset in the western sky, so fiery red, brilliant, and disappearing so quickly.I opened the piggy bank and saw expired train tickets and notes. Huge contradictions fell out of the dream, right in front of my eyes. The strange thing was that I didn't think about anything.

In the evening, I lay on Meng Li's bed and witnessed the whole process of the sunset glow dissipating. I saw the sunset moving slowly, moving from the bed to the ground, and finally disappeared outside the window sill, and the seedlings in the distance swayed peacefully.This is what I used to see before I moved out of this room.

It was completely dark.

When I resumed my thinking, I was already on this train.

When did the error start?You already know the result: he can't leave me, I can't leave him.