[Wei Yong] Looking for Lilia

Chapter 36

"Is that why you stopped dancing?" Chris asked. "Because of guilt?"

"I can't tell," Victor said. "There's guilt, but there's also something else, like something more practical—I was young and stupid, I made a big mistake because of my waywardness, and I should pay the price, and that's just the last thing. light."

This is what he deserves, but there is only one thing he doesn't understand, that is, why in such a form?Why, why must it be that person?Maybe it's God's will, knowing that he would rather bear everything by himself than want Yuuri to be hurt, so he just let him watch his sweetheart's dream die in front of his eyes - because only in this way can he cut an unhealed wound in his heart , Let him taste the taste of regret.

He has made mistakes in the name of love and cannot pay back.

"I kind of get it," Chris said, rubbing the stubble on his chin, "When you first fell in love with him, he was a kid, so you couldn't tell; when you could, you felt guilty , not good enough for him - wow, this is really... miserable."

Victor said nothing, sympathy was the last thing he wanted to hear right now.

"So what happened after that, you two separated?"

"No—not at first," Victor replied, "I tried to… I mean, apologize, but he said he didn't need to apologize, he said I didn't do anything wrong, and I didn't know how to apologize, sorry What's the use at this time? I'm safe and he's lying there, I claim to love him, but my love brings destruction, and it's not my job to apologize, it's my job to make amends. I've ruined his future, I should just give him a new, better, brighter future, maybe that's not what he wants, but I have to make sure he's going to be able to live after the damage - that's my plan."

"But it didn't work?" Chris surmised, "Let me guess, you're clinging on like a stalker, you're constantly courting and begging him to give you a chance, but you, being there, is a big deal to him. It's torture to say it, because it's easy not to blame you, but it's hard not to remember what he's lost because of you—seems like I guessed right."

"And that's pretty much what he said," Victor said. "Sometimes I think I really underestimate your sharpness, my friend."

"Of course, because you're you," Chris said, "you're so caught up in your own greatness that sometimes you don't notice the tiny lights in other people—even a little bit, and it doesn't take much to know." How hard is it?"

Hearing that there was something in his words, Victor glanced at him with a smile.

"Is this a reprimand?" he asked, "for my arrogance?"

"Not arrogant," Chris declares, "just...inoffensive. You keep talking, and then what?" He touches his glass to Victor's, who shakes his head.

"Don't try to get me drunk," he said, "I have a very important task to finish tomorrow. Then... Then maybe my urgency scared him, maybe like you said, seeing me Is the existence itself a torture, and he started avoiding me. We live in the same city, on the same campus, my apartment is less than 15 minutes away from his, and we have classes together twice a week, but I've never seen him outside of class once - if he sees me from afar in the building, he either pretends not to see me or turns his head away. He doesn't answer calls or texts, he treats me like a vacuum , didn't say a word to me for seven months."

"Whoa," Chris said, "he either hates you or he's terribly unhappy or both. Have you thought about giving him extra credit or something because you know, he's delayed time, it may be very difficult to learn."

"My thoughts were the same as yours at the beginning. I was full of guilt and—pity. I thought he had to have some extra help to—well, get through this period safely, and then have a smooth life. Life, but you and I couldn't be more wrong, Chris, and although you often make fun of me for being ungrounded and condescending, Yuuri is the truly extraordinary one of us. He's extraordinary not in talent and physical excellence, but in It's the extraordinaryness of the soul—my Yuuri has the heart of a knight, he never loses, he's always upright. That's what makes him so special."

"His performance in class cannot be said to be shining, but he is undoubtedly extremely diligent and outstanding." Victor said, his expression was extremely gentle, "He has made a bunch of friends who care about him, and one of them I met a few days ago – a particularly good Al Pacino impersonator – he had his own agenda, his own plans and circles, and he even saved up to buy a… bought a motorcycle. I never thought , but it turns out that his life is just as good without me. He is as kind and sincere as ever, only smarter and more composed—and none of this has anything to do with me, and I can't help myself if I'm around. He's done more, and he's done it on his own. He's...he's moved on."

"Wouldn't that be nice?" Chris said, peeling a lemon in his hand, "Think how much of an improvement from when you were in high school! Now that you're grown up and have a good job (and A wonderful friend of mine) who has also grown up and has a life of his own... Isn't that what you want? You and him, 'equal before God'?" Victor was surprised by his sudden He briefly laughed at his reference to Jane Eyre.

"Then what can I bring to him?" He asked softly, "I can't help but think - he can become the outstanding person he is today by himself, if I don't exist, if I - if I Wouldn't it be better to just die in that car accident? You know what I do sometimes I dream about that day and we're back on the road out of town and I'm stuck in the driver's seat looking at him Lying in the bushes by the side of the road, safe and still when the gas tank blew up—it was a sweet dream, Chris. And more often than not, I still dream of memories where the true score was spot on, as if I It’s like my subconscious doesn’t have any processing function, I dreamed that I begged him to leave, and he might take it as a call for help..."

He couldn't go on.About two years ago, he found himself dreading his dreams because they were as real as they were yesterday.

He was stuck in the driver's seat, his legs and back were in piercing pain, blood was dripping warmly from the top of his head and down his cheeks, and he couldn't even think fully.

"Please, Yuuri," he heard himself pleading incoherently, trying feebly to push the boy away with his left hand, "please, let's go. Please."

"I won't leave you behind." The boy replied, he was only a dozen centimeters away from Victor, but he looked so vague, that was the distance between life and death, Victor knew.He tried pushing Yuuri harder, but was still dismissed. "I won't leave you!" the boy said again, his voice louder and more impatient. "Please—please—Victor! Don't leave me! Please stay awake, Stay with me! I will save you... I will..."

The door opened, miraculously.Yuuri half-supported and half-hugged him out of the car, muttering comforting words like "soon, it's almost there, it's okay", his steps were firm and powerful. Now that I think about it, Victor's doubts have long been The answer is already there: Katsuki Yuuri has never been a fragile thing.Victor is not his protector, but he is Victor's knight from beginning to end.

He protects Viktor, not only in critical moments, Viktor stores his soul on him - it is the thing that is vulnerable and afraid of loneliness, and Yuuri tenaciously protects it until he loses the ability to protect it.

"It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay! Victor, listen to me! Don't fall asleep, stay with me!" He kept shouting, as if he wanted to pass courage to Victor, but he somehow It seemed to be really successful, Viktor felt his consciousness gradually condensed into a tangible one, I'm fine - he wanted to say this to Yuuri, but his vocal cords were congested with blood, and he could only make a hoarse sound.All he could do was hug Yuuri tightly, and they supported each other like they were the only pillars in the world.

The heat wave of the explosion swept from behind them at this time.It swallowed everything in an instant, Yuuri's future, Yuuri's health, Yuuri's dreams.

He sometimes dreams that he wakes up before Yuuri, and he cries loudly holding the broken body of his sweetheart, crying for help helplessly, but no one hears him; sometimes he dreams that his tears run dry , his voice is hoarse, the blood is draining from his body, and along with hope, he can only watch Yuuri die in front of him, and he can't even move a step-he can hardly tell which part is real.

But only one thing did happen, and that was, he, Victor, he hurt the one he loved.He arrogantly wanted to manipulate his fate, but in turn was taught a painful lesson by fate.

"I deserve it," he said, "and Yuuri—he's stronger than I thought. He's got his own life, and he...he asks for nothing from me, and I have nothing to give him. When he first started When he can ignore me, I think he hates me, I can understand that, I can't imagine that after such a thing happens, he will love me as before, treat me as a brother and friend, so I want to double Compensation; but actually guess what? He doesn't hate me, and he doesn't want anything - he just wants me to disappear. The one who needs 'compensation' is me, and I even want him to hate me! If he hates me, I I am willing to give my all, I am willing to give him my everything, I can give him anything he wants; but if he doesn't hate me at all," he laughed bitterly and self-deprecatingly, "then what right do I have to rely on me?" In his life?"

"Wait wait a minute," Chris said, "Wait a minute ok, where does this start, I mean, you have boundaries, that's for sure, but you don't make a one-shot deal!"

"Why do you think it's my personal opinion?" Viktor asked, "It's exactly what Yuuri wants... me, far away from his life, we've agreed and I've... decided I didn't respect him in the past, and now I want to give him what he wants. If that means I don't hang out with him anymore, so be it."

Chris stared at him dumbfounded. "That's it?" he repeated in a low voice, "I thought he was a part of your soul—would you be willing to leave him? Let me take a step back and say, how long have you known each other, nearly 20 years? He mixes it together, if you say no, don't you?"

"I...that doesn't matter." Victor said, resting his hands on his forehead, he began to feel a dull pain in his temples-this was not his usual drinking, he suddenly thought of something, laughed, and Chris looked at him with a frown.

"You know what," he said, "he's my best friend, but I'm no longer sure I'm his—we used to be happy together. He championed every decision I made, like Just being with me made him happy, that made me think... I thought we were so in tune, could read each other's mind with just one look... but I just found out not so long ago... I just found out that he was secretly Likes me, I mean, he's straight, but he thinks I'm a girl—so I'm not sure anymore. I mean...you remember what your teenage unrequited love was like, don't you?" He laughs I had to bend my eyes, tears rolled in my eyes, but they didn't fall, "When you fall in love with someone for the first time, you will do anything to make him happy, right?"

"..." Chris didn't say a complete word for a full minute, he grabbed the wine bottle and took several sips. "Let me figure it out, so he likes you? So what are you talking about here?"

"He liked 'passing' me," Victor said curtly. "Of course he doesn't like me now. Because of everything that happened."

"Uh-huh, uh-huh," Chris replied absently, "I understand, will you allow me to express my thoughts, Your Highness?"

"Please tell me, Sir Giacometti," Victor replied, being amused by him helplessly, "what's your opinion?"

"My opinion is enough to solve all your problems," Chris said, "You want to make it up to him, you want to stay with him... and so on and so on. There is only one answer," he hooked his fingers, motioning for Victor to come over , Victor raised an eyebrow, "I insist," Chris said, and Victor lowered his body cooperatively.

Chris leaned into his ear, "You—you should sleep with him." He whispered solemnly.

Dumbfounded it was Victor's turn.He stared at Chris dumbfounded, thinking he had heard wrong.

"Are you well?" he asked. "What nonsense are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, you should thank me for this idea!" Chris said, furtively plotting something big, "God I'm a genius! It can't be more perfect than this, you should thank God Let your sweetheart remain a virgin, everyone knows," he tapped his temple with wisdom, "people will always leave a soft little corner in their hearts for those who take their virginity away."

"...You're crazy." Victor said, "You drank too much." As he said, he was about to jump off the high stool to leave, but Chris grabbed his hand.

"Listen!" he said, drunk but prim, "my first boyfriend, absolute scum, cheated like an octopus, but you know how long I've been with him? Two years. That's right baby Son, two years! Did I hate him? Hate him! There were times when I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow, or pour cement and sink him in Boston Bay. Every time he went away, I made up my mind Determined to never bother with him again, but guess what? As soon as he comes back, boom! We're back together, do I love him? Fuck it, but I always think, ah, this is my first Ah." He blinked at Victor, "Ah? How is it? Doesn't make sense."

Victor frowned at him. "You're talking nonsense," he said dryly. "What's the point?"

"What's the point? It means a lot!" Chris replied, sounding as excited as he was about to plan a party, "You were his childhood dream girl, I'm sure that must have meant something to him— —You sleep with him, he, you can have a chance to end your virginity journey in the hands of the lover of your dreams, you——you have at least done the last thing you can do, and you haven’t reached the point of paying for it, can you be cornered? "

"...It's hard to argue with such logic." Victor said, he gave up communicating with Chris, and just hoped to get away from the drunk quickly, "Is there anything else?"

"There are many." Chris said, "two people have slept and haven't slept, and there is a big difference in their views on one thing-if you have a physical relationship with him, many things you cared about in the past will die Things become unimportant, it’s just so strange, once you do it, a lot of things will come to light.”

"If you're going to get a kick out of it," Victor said, "then Giacometti, you must be the smartest man on earth."

"What are you talking about, Mr. Nikiforov?" Chris exclaimed. "I'm not smart enough—but smart enough to think of this good idea. It's worth a drink." He said , Filling up the two small wine glasses again, Victor glanced at him and shook his head.

"I can't drink any more tonight," he replied. "We have work tomorrow—hangovers are no joke."

"You always say that," Chris said, throwing a thumbs up behind his back, "but your babe has been drinking orange wine all night and is delirious."

"Varied--"

"Hey don't you know?" Chris said, looking as smug as if the prank had finally succeeded, "This town's orange drink is a local pride, a recipe handed down from the Prohibition era—almost no alcohol taste, great stamina But it's so big, look—" Behind him, Yuuri stood on the long table at some point, his coat went somewhere, the collar was unbuttoned to his chest, his sleeves were rolled up, His face was flushed with drunkenness, and under the dim light of the tavern, his bare skin had a steamed pink color.

"Give me some music!" he yelled excitedly, throwing his hands in the air.