The Swan Bay Murders

Chapter 40 Xing Baichuan 1.9

When Jiang Luo moved out, I didn't know what to do, so I had to do nothing.

All my senses shut down and I was left with a shell sitting on the couch.

I blamed Jiang Luo for moving away so resolutely, and I blamed myself for being so dishonest.

She obviously wanted him to stay so much, but she refused to say it because of face and morality.

It was as if, as soon as he said it, other desires would also explode.

So, from now on, what will Jiang Luo think of me?

After all, it is not a decent thing to fall in love with a younger brother's lover, although my younger brother has passed away.

Looking at the photo of Berlin, I feel a little guilty. I know he can't be looking at me, but I still feel uncomfortable.

After Jiang Luo closed the door, I stood up and went to the balcony to watch the van of the moving company leave. When I came back, I put all the photos of Berlin at home on the table.

I can't face him, at least for now.

Parents are not there, Jiang Luo has left, and the house where the four of them had agreed to live together has become empty.

I went upstairs, opened the door and walked into the room where Jiang Luo lived before, it was empty, he didn't leave anything behind, it seemed that he wasn't even ready to use the excuse of "coming back to pick up the lost items".

I opened the closet, and there was a row of plastic clothes hanging on it. These were bought together at the supermarket opposite the community on the day we moved in, and he didn't take any of them away.

Turning around, there was only a bare mattress left on the bed he slept on. I walked over and lay on it, imagining what Jiang Luo would look like every night when he slept here.

It was getting dark, and I didn't feel sleepy at all.

I got up from the bed, turned on the light, and suddenly found that the drawer of the bedside table was open.

I walked over and saw a post-it note inside.

I know that Jiang Luo loves Berlin deeply. I used to feel that this made me extremely regretful, but now I feel a little jealous.

I'm jealous of my younger brother, because he had all Jiang Luo's love.

The sticky note in my hand has only three words on it.

Three words that I hold in my hand but still can't have.

It doesn't belong to me, I just have to put it back.

I walked back to the door, turned off the light, and kept my eyes on the drawer.

Jiang Luo wrote: I love you.

This is probably the last confession to Berlin.

Even though that person is no longer there, even though I know that I have been betrayed, I still love Jiang Luo deeply. This kind of Jiang Luo makes me feel distressed, but I dare not hug him.

I didn't know if I was doing the right thing when I went out with the keys, but I wanted to see him, right now.

I called him a few times along the way and didn't answer, which worried me very much.

Usually, if Jiang Luo fails to answer the phone in time, he will reply to me immediately afterwards, but this time, until I stood at the door of his new house and kept ringing the doorbell, he still didn't respond.

I was very scared, afraid that something might happen to him.

I know it's not good for me to be like this, but that's how I am now, I like to scare myself about everything about Jiang Luo.

He finally opened the door and told me that he had accidentally fallen asleep.

He was also a bad boy, and made me sweat from worry.

The room smelled of cigarettes, and he knew without thinking that he must be hiding here to smoke.

Without me staring at him in the future, I wonder if this guy will never quit smoking.

I wanted to cook him something to eat, but there was nothing in the new home, and more importantly, Jiang Luo had a fever.

Although the temperature has been a little higher during the day recently, it is still quite cold in the evening. He sleeps in the living room and walks back and forth with bare feet. It is strange that he does not get sick.

I managed to coax him to drink some porridge. If I couldn’t make it at home, I had to order takeaway. He took a bite, frowned and said, “It’s not as delicious as Auntie’s cooking.”

I really want to say, then just go back with me.

But he opened his mouth and still couldn't speak.

I am like this in terms of relationships. I probably used all my decisiveness in my work. When I got here, I started to look forward and backward, and I was not at all straightforward.

However, if it were someone else, I probably wouldn't have such a hard time opening my mouth.

After eating, he watched him take the medicine again.

Jiang Luo lay on the sofa and didn't want to move, his lazy look completely lost the feeling of a deer before, but transformed into a shameless kitten.

"Go to bed and sleep." I patted him lightly, but he grabbed my fingers.

"I want to move."

I want to say, then I will hug him, but I can't, and I dare not.

Squatting on the edge of the sofa, he patiently persuaded: "Go and sleep well, don't go to the company tomorrow, I will give you a day off, and have a good rest."

He looked at me, blinking much slower than usual.

"Be obedient." I touched his forehead, the fever had not subsided, I was a little impatient, "How about I take you to the hospital?"

"No need." Jiang Luo sat up, yawned, then got up and walked to the bedroom, "I'm going to sleep."

Watching him lie down made my situation a bit awkward.

I didn't want to leave because I couldn't worry about him, but it seemed too ambiguous to stay. It didn't make sense for me to stay overnight on the first day he moved.

"Are you leaving?" Jiang Luo lay flat, staring at me.

I touched his forehead again, but I knew it without touching it, the temperature didn't go down so quickly.

"Do you want me to go?" I tried not to say it deliberately, so that he would not read my mind so quickly.

Jiang Luo hesitated for a moment, then said, "I don't want to."

At that moment, I probably really heard the sound of my heart falling to the ground. If he was not in front of me at this moment, I would probably cheer.

I looked at him with a smile, sat on the edge of the bed, and tucked the corner of the quilt for him: "Then I won't leave."

He smiled too, his eyes were curved and beautiful.

Jiang Luo slept very soundly that night, probably because of his illness. In the second half of the night, he seemed to have a nightmare. He grabbed my hand, and the nails were embedded in the back of my hand again, and the palm was full of sweat.

I didn't sleep much all night, I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to look at him.

I used to live together day and night without cherishing it, but now I know how to grasp every minute and second when we are separated, and I can't bear to blink.

I think I need a DV player to secretly record every expression of his. When I miss him at home, I will release it to watch and satisfy my shameful desire.

It was almost four o'clock, and I finally couldn't stand it any longer. I played tricks and lay on the other side of his bed. Of course, we were still holding hands.

I don't remember how many times he scratched the back of his hand, probably Li Jiangluo is the one who caused the most "injury" and "wounds" to me.

In the morning, I was woken up by the sound of messages on my mobile phone. A series of WeChat messages were sent by the guys in the company, asking me what time I would be there.

I glanced at Jiang Luo, who was still awake, and raised my hand to touch his forehead. I don't know if it was a psychological effect, but I always felt a little hot.

I messaged them back and said that I had something to do and I would go there in the afternoon.

Li Jiangluo is the first person besides my family who squeezed out work and parachuted into my life.

I put my phone on vibrate mode, then started to look through the delivery software, and ordered two more porridges.

Jiang Luo opened his eyes when the doorbell rang. It was almost eight o'clock, and it was time to get up.

I went to pick up the takeaway, set it on the dining table, and then went into the room to ask Jiang Luo to wash up and eat.

Suddenly I had a terrible illusion, as if Jiang Luo and I were a couple living together, the world of two people was plain and warm.

I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but at that moment I couldn't control my brain.

I thought about the past, maybe Berlin and Jiang Luo had lived such a life before.

If it weren't for Berlin's derailment and HIV infection, they should still be in this state now.

Intimacy and distance.

They who have no sex life, these years, may have felt this way.

I can't help but wonder, if I were Berlin, would I be able to withstand the temptation, could I really be able to stand not being able to possess my lover.

I thought, I can't do it either.

There are no real saints in this world, there are only ever-expanding desires.

But if it were me, I would not choose the path Berlin took.

None of them tried to cross that hurdle in the past, and they gave up because they were afraid of failure. This can only be regarded as self-inflicted consequences.

Yi Li said that Jiang Luo's illness is not incurable, as long as he cooperates, there is still a high chance of being completely cured.

As long as he cooperates himself.

How to cooperate, I know that he needs to love someone.

"what happened?"

I was brought back to my thoughts by his question, stood at the door and looked at him with blushing cheeks and said, "Go wash up and come over to eat, I have to take medicine later."

He nodded, stood up, touched his forehead and said, "It doesn't seem so hot anymore."

I watched him go into the bathroom, rubbed his neck, and got all those random thoughts out of his head.

I am very worried that Jiang Luo will fall in love with someone else, in that case, he might as well love my brother all the time.

I stayed in Jiangluo's new home for another morning. In the afternoon, he wanted to go to the company with me, but I refused.

"Have a good rest, I'll come back to accompany you at night." I handed the thermometer to him, "Take your own temperature, and send me a message later to let me know."

I took the key and went out, and he stood at the door looking at me with a disappointed face.

"Go back." I ruffled his hair, "Your salary will not be deducted today, but if you still have a fever when I come over tonight, then I will really be rude."

I left after I finished speaking, in a good mood.

When I got to the car, my mother called.

"mom."

"Why did you go? You didn't come back last night!"

It was then that I remembered that I forgot to tell her about my visit to Jiang Luo, hesitated for a moment, and said lightly, "I stayed at a friend's house for one night. He was sick and no one took care of him."

"Friend?" my mom asked, "Boyfriend?"

I smiled helplessly, thinking, if it is, that would be great.

"No, it's just a colleague with a good relationship." I fastened my seat belt, "I'm going to drive, I won't tell you first, I may go back later at night, don't wait for me with your dad. "

"We don't care about you." My mother said, "Don't just be busy with work, go and see Jiang Luo when you have time, he just moved to a new house, if he needs help, you have to be considerate even if he doesn't tell you Son!"