inexhaustible

Chapter 16 It's okay if you can't let go

At seven o'clock in the morning, the alarm clock rang on time.I struggled to wake up, my mind still heavy from the sleeping pills.

Sitting on the bed to relax for a while, the memory of last night gradually recovered with the clarity of mind.

In the past, as long as I had a nightmare, I couldn't remember anything the next day. The pain that was engraved in my bones and made people tremble would still make me uncomfortable for a long time.But this time is different. In the fragmented flashback, the firm embrace in the dark and the gentle comfort in the ear are so present, overshadowing the heart-piercing pain, as if it were another bizarre dream.

——Living is not a shameful thing, you don't need to apologize to anyone.

It was the first time someone told me so, and it seemed that he was not useless except for his face.

Just as a smile appeared on my lips, I suddenly remembered that when I woke up from my dream last night, I cried so sadly that I was hugged by Shang Muxiao and coaxed for a long time.I firmly grabbed the clothes on his back, like a drowning man grabbing the last straw, and I didn't let go until I cried and fell asleep again.

I buried my face in my palm, and couldn't believe that I would cry like that, or cry like that in front of Shang Muxiao.

I don't know how he will laugh at me...

With an annoyed mood, after washing up, I did some mental construction, and then I pushed the door out.

There was no sign of Shang Muxiao on the sofa, and there was an inexplicable burnt smell in the air, as if something had been burnt.

Surprised, I followed the smell to the kitchen, and saw Shang Muxiao sat at the table eating, with a takeaway bag on the side. The table was full of breakfast, steamed buns, flower rolls, soy milk, porridge... almost as much as a small meal. Small dining tables are spread out.

"I'm awake." Seeing that I was awake, he lifted his chin and signaled me to go over to have breakfast.

"What's fuzzy?"

"The porridge is mushy." He seemed to be completely healed, his appetite increased greatly, he took two mouthfuls of a flower roll, and went to take another one without swallowing it, which was completely different from the weak appearance that could not eat yesterday , "I wanted to cook porridge, but it became mushy in the blink of an eye, and then I ordered takeaway."

Looking at the trash can in the corner, he said with a look of disgust: "The pot is useless, I'm too lazy to wash it, I'll bring you a new one next time."

I followed and almost didn't recognize my little milk pot.The once fresh mint green shell has become blackened, and the enamel coating inside is covered with a thick layer of coke. It is completely like a pot, and it is really useless.

"No, it's old and not worth a lot of money." I remember that there was a whole set of this pot. Shen Luoyu gave it to me when I moved. It was said to be a foreign brand. The advantage is that it looks good, but the disadvantage is that it is expensive.The total price of the set she gave me was more than five figures, which made her feel quite pained, and because the pot of gold is expensive, I rarely use it.

Unexpectedly, it died so tragically in the hands of Shang Muxiao, and it was fate.

"Preserved egg porridge, do you want to eat it?" He lifted the lid of a plastic bowl and pushed it in front of me.

I nodded and went to get the plastic spoon in the takeout bag.

He didn't mention what happened last night at all, and he didn't show any intention of laughing at me. It almost made me wonder if last night was really just a dream that I imagined.

"Has the fever gone?" It's always a bit strange to sit at a table without talking, so I can only try to find something to talk about.

"Retired. Retired at midnight last night."

"Have you contacted your sister yet?"

"Yeah." He took a sip of soy milk, wiped his mouth with a tissue, and considered that he had finished eating, "I'll go home tonight."

After breakfast, I drove him to the school together, and because the campuses he was going to were different, he got off at the gate.

"By the way..." He opened the door and was about to get out of the car. I stopped him and told him about the death of Mr. Huang from the psychological mutual aid group.

Someone may have asked Sister Liao about the relevant information. She sent a group message yesterday about the time and place of the funeral, saying that those who want to see Mr. Huang for the last time can attend it, and don’t force it if they don’t have time. Everyone can arrange it according to their own schedule.

The funeral ceremony is scheduled for this afternoon, and I happen to have no class in the afternoon, so I plan to see him off.

"The old man is dead." Shang Muxiao's expression was indifferent, and he didn't seem surprised, "Are you going?"

"go."

He thought for a while and said, "Then I'll go with you."

I was a little surprised, I thought he wouldn't go, after all, he only participated in a mutual aid group once, maybe he didn't even remember how many people there were.

Finally, I made an appointment with him to meet at the gate of the school at two o'clock in the afternoon. He nodded and said yes, got off the car and left.

After class in the morning, after lunch, I read documents in the office for a while, and I was a little fascinated unconsciously. If Shang Muxiao hadn’t sent a message saying that he was already waiting outside the school gate, I would not have noticed the time.

I thought he was going to take my car, but when I went to the door, there was a familiar blue and white heavy machine parked on the side of the road. The rider was wearing a helmet and propped one foot on the ground. Both the scene and himself seemed to be The model was shooting a poster, even if she couldn't see her face, it still attracted the attention of passers-by.

I drove the car beside him, lowered the window and asked, "Are you following me?"

He opened the goggles, raised his eyebrows and said, "Why, are you still afraid that I won't be able to keep up with you?"

The subtext seems to say: "With your slow speed, I won't be afraid of you ten yards away."

Without saying a word, I rolled up the car window and drove ahead of Shang Muxiao to lead the way. The [-]-kilometer journey took only one hour for the rare journey.

The sun is good today, with no wind or rain. Although the temperature is low, it will not make people feel cold. It is a good weather.

When we arrived, there was already a circle of people around Mr. Huang's tombstone. Everyone held a white chrysanthemum in their hands, with solemn and solemn expressions.

Standing at the end of the crowd was the staff of the funeral service or the family members of the old man. They were dressed in black and held a handful of white chrysanthemums in their arms. When they saw us approaching, they asked about their identities and gave each of Shang Muxiao and me a flower.

We stood at the very end, and we could only hear vague voices in the front. It seemed that Mr. Huang's son was reading a eulogy.

After about 2 minutes, the eulogy was finished, and the crowd began to move, one by one came forward to lay flowers.

Shang Muxiao and I were the last two to go up. The front of the tombstone was already covered with flowers. The old man in the photo smiled very kindly, and a line of dazzling gold words was engraved on the place where the urn was placed - you are still young, You have to live well.

He actually engraved this sentence as his epitaph, almost like... his last warning to us younger generations who came to the funeral.

The solemn emotions dissipated a lot, and my heart was a little funny, but also a little warm, just like the sunshine at the moment, even in the cold season, I can always feel the warmth.

The funeral ceremony was simple and brief. I saw a few familiar faces in the mutual aid group in the crowd. Everyone just nodded their heads from a distance, counting them as a greeting. After the funeral, they left without much communication.

I walked towards the gate of the cemetery with Shang Muxiao. I wonder if he was affected by the atmosphere of the funeral, but he seemed very quiet all the way.

"This is the first time I have attended a funeral." Shang Muxiao said suddenly when he was about to walk to the gate.

When I heard it, I thought it was wrong, he was at the funeral for the first time, so where was he when his mother died?

He seemed to have heard my heart, and continued in a flat tone: "When my mother held the funeral, I was not allowed to approach, and I could only stand in the distance led by the nanny. Because my father said that my mother would not want to see I."

It was clear that I still felt the warmth of the sun just now, but after only a moment, I became cold again for no reason.Although my relationship with my parents is also very alienated and indifferent, it is not as incompatible as him. It is really hard for me to imagine that Shang Lu would say such words to a five-year-old child.

"On the day she died, she asked me...whether I want to go to a place with her. I have always been afraid of her. She never liked me. Except for losing her temper with me, she blamed me for ruining her career. It was a good place, so I refused. She became very angry all of a sudden, pushed me out of the door forcefully, and threw me into the rain, and refused to open the door no matter how much I cried and yelled.” At this point, he smiled, “Growing up Only then did I realize that she was taking me to Huangquan, which is really not a good place."

"Everyone said she was sick, and she didn't want that, and asked me to forgive her." He walked in the sun, but his voice was as cold as ice, "But it's not my fault that she was sick, why can't I Hate her?"

When we arrived at the gate, my car and his car were parked not far away.He stopped, and I stopped involuntarily.

"Her paintings are full of vitality and have beautiful meanings. Looking at those wonderful colors, the mind will calm down unconsciously. She gave the best side to others, and the worst side to me."

That's why he wants to destroy "Garden View", destroying those things that are disgustingly false in his opinion.He grew up under the scolding of his parents, and never got a trace of warmth from them. Only his sister was his everything.

And now, Shang Yunrou no longer belongs to him alone.

He stood in front of me with his hands in his coat. He was an invincible 20-year-old, but his eyes were full of boredom and resentment towards this world.

You are still young, you have to live well.He also saw this sentence, but he didn't know how to live a good life.

"This is also the first time I have attended someone else's funeral," I said. "Twelve years ago, when the funeral of three friends who were in a car accident with me was held, I was still lying on the hospital bed and couldn't get up."

Shang Muxiao wasn't surprised at all, he faced me with a calm face.

"As you can see, I'm still in a nightmare, and I can't get out of the car accident."

I don't know when it started, the concept of reconciliation with the world has been popular everywhere.Have no sorrow or joy, no resentment or hatred, pursue inner peace, and take it as our duty to become a Buddha immediately.It seems that to have selfish desires is to be inferior to others, and to show hatred is unacceptable.

"Schopenhauer believes that to eliminate the pain of life, the first thing is not to sever life, but to achieve the extinction of the will to life through abstinence and asceticism. When the will disappears, people will no longer suffer. From this inference, the real proof that you are still alive , on the contrary, it is the outpouring of extreme emotions, those uncontrollable desires to vent, and the moments when doing things that can only bring "pain."

I stared into his eyes, and slowly said word by word: "So, it's okay if you can't let go. Not everything can be easily erased from life."

It doesn't matter if you don't reconcile, it's okay to hate, life is a magnificent red flame, and these indelible desires will make it more blazing and stronger.

It was probably the first time he had heard of this theory, and he tilted his head slightly for a long time.

"...Is it okay if you can't let go?"

"It's ok."

"Is it okay to hate her?"

"can."

He was speechless for a while, looked at me with a half-smile, and bent down towards me without warning.

"Okay, I'll listen to you."

Before I realized what he was going to do, I felt a very light touch on my face. The soft touch seemed to be electrified, and the normal half of my body was electric numb.

"This is your reward for taking me in these days. Let's go, see you at school tomorrow." Like a brat who succeeded in pranking, he slipped away after kissing, backed up and waved at me, and turned back into his blue and white car Heavy Machinery.

I was still in shock and could only watch him go away.

When I couldn't see him at all, I raised my hand and lightly touched the skin he had kissed with my fingertips, then quickly closed my hand and clenched it into a fist.

Returning to the car as if sleepwalking, glanced at the rearview mirror, and found that his entire face was flushed.