Disgusted

Chapter 35 Letter

When the string of phone numbers that were once familiar enough to stick to my heart—which once rang in my ears with a low breath—lit up on the screen of the mobile phone, I unexpectedly felt a pain in my chest, and I was also surprised. After so long, I still care.

The ringing stopped abruptly while I was in a daze, and it rang again soon, this time I immediately pressed the answer button.

okay?Xiaoxue's voice was still cheerful.She invited me to dinner without any formality for a long time.I agreed, feeling vaguely that she had something urgent to talk about.

No, we just sat together in a small coffee shop, eating poor baked pork chop rice, and having a tepid conversation.Politely, each with a smile in the workplace, said some scene words.With makeup on, Xiaoxue's face is more refined, and she is no longer wearing a T-shirt and jeans, because she is following the financial news. She is wearing a professional suit that fits well, small high heels, and her long hair is permed into big waves, which adds a lot of charm.I was startled, and suddenly found myself sitting on the opposite side of her, looking for the past, the one that belonged to me.

I didn't know the taste of the meal, and there were a few inexplicable promotional calls on the way.Frowning, I gave up half of the dinner left in front of me, took a sip of water, and finally asked: How are you and him?How are you?

Xiaoxue's shoulders trembled, a little flustered, she poked her eyes out, and quickly lowered them again.fine.She said, he...he divorced, and his son belonged to his ex-wife.

That's good.I replied, I didn't know what to say, I just felt cold and hot, and my eyes were astringent.The phrase "Have you ever loved me?" rushed through the throat, and finally swallowed it back abruptly, suffocating in the heart, the edges and corners were scratched and the flesh was blurred.Oh, after all, they have grown up, after all, they have been separated.

The two were silent for a while, Xiaoxue slowly untied the silk scarf around her neck, raised her head and asked me as if making up her mind: Have you heard about the single rape case recently?

I nodded in surprise.Many experts know that I was the first person to arrive at the scene of this case. I looked at Xiaoxue and thought she knew it too.

If you can, she said, put the silk scarf on the table, and the hand holding it tightened and loosened.If possible, it is best not to get too close, wading too deep, easy to drown.

Oh, I just realized that this meal is for this sentence.Or I got some news from my boyfriend, so I came to remind me-can this be counted as the warmth of the past?I laughed, knowing that it was too much sarcasm, so I lowered my head and replied: I have a sense of proportion.

Seeing that the court will be held the day after tomorrow, and the case will come to an end after the final trial, I seem to be able to break free from the burden of witnessing the crime like a nightmare.Everything is about to end.For this reason, I deliberately asked the girl to stay in the rented house as much as possible, and I only occasionally came to help her replenish food and supplies, and I didn't even make phone calls in the past two days.

Xiaoxue took a deep look at me with a complicated expression, hesitated to speak, and finally held back and asked the waiter to pay the bill.

Let me do it.I said softly, took the bill and went straight to the front desk to settle the bill.

It's just a full stop overdue.I thought so at the time.Indifferent, almost invisible and meaningless ending symbol.I never thought that this is a turn, and the track changes direction here and extends elsewhere.

The next morning, I habitually looked at the mobile phone provided by the newspaper. The emergency group adopts a shift system. Usually, the interview director will not come to look for it after work. There are constant news in the group, so I used to switch it to Mute - The screen shows 21 missed calls.I frowned, what happened?While calling back, he was looking for his personal mobile phone, when the doorbell rang again, so he went to the gate with the phone in his hands, opened the wooden door, and saw his mother's boyfriend whom he hadn't seen for a long time.

"Uncle Leng?" I frowned even tighter. I remembered that he had never set foot in this house.At this time the phone was connected, and the weary voice of the owner rang out. I glanced at Uncle Leng, hurriedly said sorry to the other end of the phone and called back later, then hung up the phone and opened the security door.

Uncle Leng stood motionless at the door. I looked up at him. There were deep wrinkles on his black face with Chinese characters, and his eyes were bloodshot.Since when did Uncle Leng's hair turn half white?What's wrong?what happen?Where is mother?Various questions ran through my mind.I was silent, suddenly a little afraid to ask.

"Your mother is gone." Uncle Leng broke the silence.

"Leaving?" I repeated softly, not understanding. "Did you go on a trip? Where? Why didn't you mention it to me? Will she...would she be afraid..."

I heard my own voice trembling, and so did my body, and the buzzing in my head, but I still managed to smile, not daring to tell the truth, for fear that if I said it, it would become a solid fact.

"She passed away." Uncle Leng pressed his hands on my shoulders. It was the first time he had physical contact with me. Those hands were big and powerful, but they couldn't support my sliding body.

I slid on the floor, the tiles chilling me.Scenes of the past flashed before my eyes: when I was a child, I would sleep and wait for the door, waiting for the horse-drawn cake in my mother's hand; my mother, who was a dealer in the casino, would occasionally take me to the paradise with a generous tip It’s obviously a week’s living expenses, she exchanged it for gold coins for playing games without blinking for me to squander; the scarf she knitted for me, and the soup she cooked all night; she called and told me to look at the left and right when crossing the road. Look to the right to pass... No, no one can love me like her, and she disappeared inadvertently, and I will never see her again, hear her again, or touch her hand... the last time I saw her When is it to mother?two months?three months ago?When did it start that I walked so fast and so fast that I never looked back?Suddenly, a surge of hatred surged in my heart, and I couldn't forgive myself for not seeing my mother for the last time.I hooked my head, tears fell to the floor like a faucet that couldn't be turned off, I felt that a room was filled with thick sadness, sadness, helplessness and remorse, and at the same time, something was taken away, empty, From now on, no matter what, I am no longer perfect.

Uncle Leng sat with me by the door for a long time, letting me cry silently, and then slowly told me word by word that my mother had been ill for a while, and she didn't want me to know about heart problems.

"It happened very suddenly. At four o'clock in the morning, she suddenly had heart palpitations. She lost consciousness in the ambulance and did not reach the hospital..." Uncle Leng choked up a sob, and was only panting for a while. "I called you and kept turning off the phone. Later, I had to call your company phone number. Your colleague said that he would contact you...Your mother, before leaving, let me take good care of you."

He raised his hand, and put his right hand missing two fingers firmly on my head. "I'll take good care of you."

I just listened in silence.After a while, I jumped up and turned the entire backpack upside down, shaking out all the items, and searched around again, no, no, no, my personal mobile phone was gone.

Suddenly, a bad breath rose from my internal organs. I overturned the glass coffee table, smashed the cups one by one, pulled down the TV, tore off the curtains, and smashed all the dishes in the open kitchen.A wave of hatred dominated me, rampaging through my body, and rampaging with me, until I couldn't fall, couldn't smash, and slumped to the floor.Uncle Leng quickly lifted me up half-supported and half-hugged me and moved me to the sofa. He backed away a little and knelt down to look at me.

"I need you to cheer up," he said. "Your mother is still in the hospital, and there are still many procedures for you to go through..."

I looked at him, but my eyes couldn't focus, the eyes were fuzzy, hot and astringent, and the tears bubbling down didn't stop, but this time I was able to make a sound.I buried my head in my knees and sobbed loudly.Crying and crying, I was so tired that I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I didn't know what day and night for a while, and I was at a loss, and I didn't know where I was.Looking around the messy living room, seeing Uncle Leng sitting on a low stool, he gave me an ugly smile.I turned my head away, feeling ruthless anger at the person who brought the news of my mother’s death, the person who robbed my mother, and then a sense of sadness slowly crept up again, this time it was not violent at all, just huge and deep Tightly sink me to the bottom of the sea, silently and without anyone, just falling down like this.

I sat for a while, then dragged my stiff limbs to the bathroom to wash my face.I looked at my watch, it was almost dusk, and it was too late to go to the hospital to go through the formalities.I didn't touch a drop of water for a day, and I just felt weak and cramped in my stomach.I drank a few sips of water from the tap, looked up, and the person in the mirror smiled weakly at me.Look, no matter how sad you are, you will still be hungry, and you will still fall asleep when you are tired.I put my head on the mirror and felt like I was still falling.

Uncle Leng insisted that I move to the hotel for the night, and I agreed after seeing the mess at home.When we arrived at the hotel, the room had already been opened. It was a very spacious two-bedroom suite with two pretty girls in it.

"They sleep in the same room," said Uncle Leng. "It's not convenient for me, but at least someone will be with you tonight. They will be quiet." He said and gave the two girls a sideways look, and I saw a look of fear on their faces.

I have always vaguely known that Uncle Leng has some influence, but I don't know the scope and boundary of this influence. Now I am unable to think, confirm or justify anything, so I just nodded and went to the master bedroom.Before I came to the hotel, I drank two bowls of porridge, and my stomach felt better. I also called the agency to ask for leave. I thought about what I hadn’t done yet, and before the thought came up, my consciousness sank into a deep sleep swamp.

Early the next morning, Uncle Leng accompanied me to the hospital to go through the claim procedures.The hospital morgue was gloomy and cold. I watched the drawer-like ice being pulled out, the white cloth opened, and my mother's pale face seemed to have collapsed inward, looking so small and dry. This person who gave me life.I held her unconscious arm, tears streaming down my face.

After completing the formalities and coming out, it was a bright sunny day outside.Uncle Leng asked me to go home with him. My mother sorted out a relic before she died.Just as I promised, the cell phone rang, and the voice of the interview director on the other end of the phone was rarely dignified, only telling me to go online to watch the news.

I immediately opened the news page, and there were overwhelming headlines: Rape victim changed his words!Appearing in court with injuries overturned their previous confessions, and the three defendants were convicted of manslaughter, and their sentences were suspended for half a year and three months...

I closed my eyes and felt cold under the sun. A thought came up from a dark corner like a snake, cold and cunning, and made me shiver.I took a deep breath and wanted to call the girl before I remembered that the number was stored in my personal cell phone.Gritting his teeth, he pressed the familiar phone number.The bell rang, and it was quickly transferred to the voice mailbox.I hung up and called again, this time it was directly shut down. "You took my cell phone? Call me back." I gritted my teeth and left a message, hating myself for not being able to steal words at this time.

I turned around and said sorry to Uncle Leng, I will come back later.Uncle Leng stared at me for a long time before nodding.I turned around and took a taxi, and went straight to the girl's short-term rental apartment. The taxi still called Xiaoxue over and over again, and heard her happy voice over and over again: Hurry up, please leave a message if you have anything to do.That unprovoked dinner was not a belated farewell or a warning at all, no, this performance has nothing to do with me who is self-indulgent, she only wanted the connection between me and the girl.Just, why?

The girl was nowhere to be seen in the suite. I looked around the living room, and it was still clean, and the door lock was not damaged. When I went around the room, the girl's belongings were still there, and it didn't look like she had packed them up and moved them away.I frowned, forced myself to calm down, and finally remembered to go online to call up Google Cloud and search for my personal address book.Networking is the most important asset of a reporter. I have always set the system to automatically upload contact information to the network hard drive.

He pulled out the girl's phone and dialed it immediately.shutdown.Not reconciled, I called twice, and naturally it was still shut down.I took a deep breath and called the interview director on duty. I had to call my colleagues in this case in the next two days to ask about the situation in detail.Then he sat down on the stool, held the phone with both hands, and propped his forehead.

Based on what my colleagues heard, it is not difficult to figure out what happened: the girl went to a certain restaurant to wait for someone the night before, and a group of people fighting broke out from the bar next door. Sexual fracture.She was sent to the hospital for treatment, and she changed her statement at the trial this morning, insisting that she did it voluntarily.

I closed my eyes, and a sound drilled into my mind-it was the girl's sharp and resentful crying over and over again that night.The sound got louder and louder, and it gave me a splitting headache.When I opened my eyes, I felt that I was unexpectedly calm, as if I had shut all my emotions into another room, leaving only a sane walking dead self, asking repeatedly: Why?

I got up and opened the curtains, the sky was gloomy and I didn't know when it would change, and the sky was covered with a layer of lead color. I made up my mind, and while looking for the address book, I took a taxi to the magazine where Xiaoxue worked.The taxi made calls one by one. Anyone who knew Xiaoxue’s colleagues, classmates, friends, or even the owner of the coffee shop he used to go to, of course, they could not tell me Xiaoxue’s whereabouts, but I knew that some voices would eventually pass through them and be reflected to Xiaoxue. , to let her know that the whole world knows that I—the person with whom she has been rumored—is looking for her everywhere, and will continue to look for her until she shows up.

When I went to the magazine office, I was stopped by the front desk.

I knew Xia Xiaoxue wasn't here, so I said, I'm looking for Deputy Editor-in-Chief Chen.

The receptionist shook her head innocently and whispered that he wasn't there either.

oh?I was a little surprised. I just said it casually. I wanted to meet Xiaoxue to increase the pressure. By the way, I would meet this long-standing "rival in love"; He is not there either?

good.I said.I am here waiting.As he spoke, he pointed to the sofa seat next to the reception counter.

They, they are on a business trip, and they will not return to the agency today.

I nodded to show I knew, and sat down on the sofa, hesitated for a while, and finally called Uncle Leng, asking him if there was anyone at the customs who could help me inquire about the exit records of the two of them.Uncle Leng didn't say much, he only asked about their names, age and appearance characteristics in detail, and called after a short while, saying that neither of them had any record of leaving the country.

So I waited, with more patience than ever before, my mind blank.Xiaoxue breathed like blue in her ears, her voice seemed cold when she crossed the ocean, she said in a low voice that we are in trouble... The dark apartment living room full of strange smells, the girl's messy hair behind a pair of hateful eyes, Her ear-piercing howls...the pastry dangling in my mother's hand when I was a child, the hand she gently pressed on my forehead when I had a fever...a sudden burst of thunder woke me up, and I seemed to be in a nightmare, and I was sweating finely.When I came back to my senses, I realized that the mobile phone I had been holding in my hand was ringing.

Are you looking for me?Xiaoxue's voice was calm.

where are you?

There was silence for a while, and there seemed to be voices of dispute.After a while, Xiaoxue's hurried voice came: Seven o'clock, Fisherman's Wharf.

I hung up the phone and borrowed the magazine's bathroom to wash my face.But for two or three days, the person in the mirror was unfamiliar to me, with red and swollen eyes, blue face, and too thin and mean.I coldly confronted the mirror, and after a while, I combed my long hair slowly with my fingers, tied it up, and smoothed out the wrinkles on my shirt before going out the door.After leaving the gate of the commercial building where the magazine is located, a few bright lights rolled through the thick layer of dark clouds in the sky, and after a few seconds, there was a depressing thunder, and there was no wind.I look at my watch, it's less than six o'clock.Without thinking, I went directly to Fisherman's Wharf.

Fisherman's Wharf is one of the famous attractions in Macau. It has a wide view facing the Friendship Bridge and the Sands Hotel, and next to it is a huge theme park.The night fell like a curtain, and the lights were shining brightly.There is a corner on the right side of the pier platform, which is a small observation deck made of wood. There are always relatively few tourists there. More than two years ago, Xiaoxue and I always liked to come here.

I climbed up to the railing of the watchtower. For more than two years, I subconsciously dared not approach this place. When I stepped on it again, I was still... no, I had nothing.Love, family affection, career, and even that bit of integrity or justice that I thought I could protect have all left me.The rain fell, silently.

"Why, don't you know how to bring an umbrella?"

With a square of peace on my head, I first looked up at the blue folding umbrella, then turned around and looked at the petite and delicate woman in front of me.Her voice is still gentle, as if for a while, we seem to have returned to the simple and pure college days, without other people, careers, and grievances.She bit my arm and it hurt, she took out the ointment and kneaded it for me, and whispered foolishly in such a gentle and distressed voice.

I held back the bitterness that came from the bottom of my heart, because that bitterness was about to turn into a grievance that would only be revealed in front of people close to me.Before she could speak, Xiaoxue stopped the conversation.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I know your character too well. If there was any other way, I wouldn't make such a bad move."

I took two steps back, exited the range under her umbrella, and looked at her from a distance.It turned out that I took a chance and went to her obsessively. It turned out that I wanted to give her a chance to explain and let her tell me that it was just a misunderstanding and that someone else stole my mobile phone.I close my eyes and laugh at myself stupid.

"Why?" I tried my best to squeeze out the question that tossed and turned.

Xiaoxue shook her head, and brought the umbrella closer to me. "It doesn't matter anymore. The damage has been done. I'm sorry, really." She shook her head again, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just can't help it...I know you won't forgive."

"Is it for him?" Suddenly my head became clear: the official of the Finance Bureau, the deputy editor-in-chief of a financial magazine, how easy it is to get in touch with, if he knows me from Xiaoxue, and knows that I am the first Someone who arrived at the scene... or someone who talked about seeing me and taking the girl... eh?In the end, all this is just a favor?In order to let her boyfriend get promoted step by step?For this reason, I did not hesitate to trample on my dignity, and I carefully waited for the remaining bit of faith!

"It's not what you think," Xiaoxue's voice was a little flustered, "He, he has no other choice... His son..."

"My mother died." I interrupted her. "The night you took my phone. I didn't even get to see her for the last time."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Xiaoxue raised her hand and stroked my face, only then did I realize that I was crying.

"Get out!!!!" I yelled, and waved her hand away, I don't want the pity from the handout.

Unprepared, Xiaoxue was staggered by my force, and the umbrella fell to the ground and rolled twice, and soon stopped at a person's feet.The man quickly stepped up to hold Xiaoxue's shoulders, holding a black umbrella to protect her.

"It's my fault." The man said, with a gentle face, he spoke so confidently. "Everything is coming at me."

Heh... Deputy Editor-in-Chief Chen.I smiled unconsciously.Of course it is on your head.I stared closely at his arms encircling Xiaoxue, biting my teeth so painfully.

Xiaoxue turned her head and said something to him, I couldn't hear clearly, but I heard the man's words word by word:

"It's none of Xiaoxue's business. I entrusted her to do it. Revenge, resentment, and lawsuits all come to me." He paused, and his voice became colder. "It's late, come here first today, please come to my office tomorrow, let's sit down and talk."

It's none of Xiaoxue's business.So two years ago, who dug out my heart like a sharp knife, exposed it to the air and let it oxidize, stink and stiffen, and now who cut open my abdominal cavity and took out my internal organs, making me so painful that I can’t speak?Who stole my lover, took away my chance to see my mother for the last time, and shook my original belief?

I watched helplessly as he circled Xiaoxue and turned around, leading her farther and farther like this. I watched myself move and step out, and I clearly heard a string snap in my body, and a corner was irreparably broken. Collapsing and collapsing, hatred, anger, resentment, resentment, resentment, resentment, hatred, and sorrow poured down, pouring up and drowning, with nowhere to go, no way to retreat.I stepped out, and my steps gradually became faster, splashing in the puddles.Passing by a trash can, I picked up the glass wine bottle on the ground and smashed it on the fence. Everything was so natural and effortless, and my steps were light.

Xiaoxue turned her head first, her eyes widened, and she seemed to let out a cry of surprise, but she didn't seem to.My world was completely quiet, I just ran over intently, stabbed the shards of the wine bottle in my hand, and stabbed the man's head. Since it was your fault and you wanted to be responsible, then pay with your life.My world is peaceful, without wind or waves.

It was Xiaoxue who pushed him, he turned his head sideways, the fragments from my hand scratched the back of his neck, and pulled out a deep bloody gash, the blood gushed out almost immediately, splashing all over my head mixed with a thick fishy smell All over.He turned around slightly, covered the wound subconsciously, blood gushed from between his fingers, his pupils dilated, his body limp in Xiaoxue's arms, and then twitched.

I saw Xiaoxue picked up her skirt and pressed down on his neck desperately, and saw her own ferocity from the grimness on her face. "Help!" she yelled around, her voice shrill.It was as if a certain gate had been opened, and only then did I hear voices, the sound of rain, footsteps, and Xiaoxue’s shouts, and I saw the crowd gradually gathering around me, the blood spilled from under his body and flowed down to my feet along the rain .

The wine bottle slipped from my hand, and I instinctively pushed away the crowd and ran as hard as I could, without direction or purpose, as if I could escape something and keep something by running so violently.So I ran and stumbled to the downtown area. There were more people at once. I knocked down a few people and crushed one side of my body on a fruit stand.Struggling to get up, I realized that my cuffs were completely red with blood, and the fishy smell was accompanied by the sourness of the fruit.

About this time I passed out.

It was two days after he woke up again, sleeping in a small and dark room, with Uncle Leng sitting beside him, feeling relieved.

Uncle Leng said that one of his horse boys found me in a dark alley, but I had no memory of running to the entrance of the alley and took out my mobile phone to call Uncle Leng.The last scene in my consciousness was that I fell to the ground and got up, the sweet smell of fish and the sour smell of oranges came from the cuffs, thinking of the sudden numbness of my scalp, a hot current surged up from my stomach to my throat, I bent over and vomited it out .I hadn't eaten for several days, and all I vomited out was gastric juice and bile, and coughed violently while vomiting.Uncle Leng was so frightened that he hurried to find a doctor.

After the doctor finished the physical examination, Uncle Leng told me that we were in a dark restaurant across a river, and Zhuhai was just across the river.

"When you were unconscious with a high fever, you kept saying that you killed someone." Uncle Leng frowned, with a bitter look on his black face. "I checked with someone, and the person lost a lot of blood, and he hasn't passed the critical period yet."

After he finished speaking, he fell silent.There was only one dim light bulb in the room, casting a thick shadow on Uncle Leng who was sitting.I rolled my eyes, knowing what he meant.Even though the Macau Penal Code has been revised and relaxed, the minimum sentence for manslaughter is ten years in prison.

Prison or death.I understand what Uncle Leng means to let me choose.

I asked Uncle Leng to take me across the river.

After that night, most of my heart died, followed by the love that once made me worry about it, and the justice that once made me hold my head up.My mother has gone too, so there is nothing to worry about here.But now I know everything, and the only thing left is freedom.

Uncle Leng didn't say much, and sent me on board that night.In addition to the rucksack containing RMB 5 in cash and personal belongings, what was delivered to me together was a small-leaf red sandalwood jewelry box, which contained the relics my mother gave me: a set of apartment keys and real estate certificates in the small town of my hometown, A little gold jewelry, and some securities passbooks.I handed over the securities passbook to Uncle Leng for safekeeping. He nodded and accepted it, and then handed me a chip card. It was a mainland ID card with a portrait of a young woman with short hair on it. Character.

After crossing the river, the first thing to do is to cut your hair.From that day on, there was one less Liu Suen and one more Fang Qingkong in the world.

Yarn weaving.This is my story.I hate where that fruit comes from.

After that, I went from Zhuhai to Guangxi to Yunnan and then to Sichuan, Gansu and Xinjiang. For more than half a year, I sat in a car and wandered from place to place.Until I was tired and tired, I remembered my mother's hometown.Back in town, I settled down in my mother's apartment.For a month or two, I got acquainted with an old man in a small bookstore. He was in poor health and no one took over the shop, so he simply transferred the shop to me at a low price, and I asked Uncle Leng to help sell the securities and entrust the cash to someone Bring it, and then run a bookstore for the time being.Then, I met you.

If I could, how much I hope to meet you is the ignorant, arrogant but complete Liu Suen, instead of this timid and incomplete Fang Qingkong.if it is possible.

There was a brief moment when I thought we could just stick to each other and depend on each other—if it wasn't for what happened later.And you are always braver than me.I love your bravery, and I do not hesitate to test for it—

There are no strings attached to Xiao Yu's proposal, but I know from what you said about the situation that she can't help much. On the contrary, I rely on Uncle Leng to find another shortcut to get in touch with the key person, as long as I pay the price.For this, I must know how much you are willing to sacrifice for the family...

Saori, I once asked you to be with me, did you regret it, you said no regrets, because I am afraid that you will still be greedy if you do it again.I am the same, greedy, so what my heart wants, I am locked up and cannot break free.

As I write this, the sky has already turned a crab-blue color, and I have been writing all night, and I still haven't finished my words.I'm afraid we won't see each other again for a long time to come.Hope you are well.

Do not read.

Liu Suen