Disgusted

Chapter 33 Letter

Yarn:

After thinking about it in every possible way, I don't know where to start. After thinking about it, it's better to start from the beginning.

The first time I met Xia Xiaoxue was during the summer vacation of the third year of university.Macau International Airport.It is brightly lit at noon.Walking over, she was sitting on the abnormally large suitcase, holding her chin, with slight impatience and boredom on her face.Wearing an ordinary dark purple T-shirt, jeans and blue sneakers, with a snow-white face, she looks so small under the huge suitcase.

It’s a little inaccurate to say that it was the first time we met. We belong to the same department and have taken tutorial classes together before, but at that time I was alone, and her existence was meaningless to me.If it wasn't for this internship in Taiwan, there shouldn't be any entanglements between us, we are so different.

"My name is Xia Xiaoxue." She introduced herself like this.

"What a strange name," I said. "Like a martial arts novel."

"Liu Suen. Doesn't your name look alike?" She smiled, showing her thin white teeth.

I also laugh. "How do you know my name?"

She shrugged, as if she wasn't going to talk about it.

At that time, she was just a petite, fair-skinned, talkative classmate to me, no more, no less, a classmate who would not feel sad even if she disappeared immediately.

The residence I stayed in Taiwan was near Ximending, because it was a free residence for entertaining interns, the facilities were simple, but the room was very spacious.We were assigned to a seven-person room, and the seven girls checked in with their luggage, causing a lot of noise.

Sometimes I also participate in their small activities. When the lights are turned off, everyone can vaguely recognize each other's faces by the moonlight cast from the window.I can't see the expression clearly, so I feel extremely safe, and I don't hesitate to share the secrets in my heart.I often play the role of the listener, because I know too well that words spoken on such occasions are often sold in the market the next day, and words cannot be taken back.Xiaoxue said that she seemed to like a man with a wife.What does it matter?chase!I egged her on, I've never had much moral sense in that regard.She shook her head and said it was impossible, she couldn't destroy other people's families.

It is said that it is an internship group, and everyone knows that most of them come to Taiwan to have fun, and they are sleepy in class to recharge their energy and wander around at night.When the No. [-] typhoon signal was issued, I rushed out to eat the famous duck noodles. I searched for a long time, but when I got there, I was soaked, cold and hungry. The noodles were surprisingly delicious.

Going to Alishan was another classmate's bad idea. Everyone thought it was far away, but she insisted on it, so they went together.The journey from Taipei to Alishan was unexpectedly long, so Xiaoxue and I drove to the foot of the mountain.There were so many people, everyone was huddled together on the van, I sat down next to her, the car staggered on the winding mountain road, the driving time was very long, I dozed off in the turbid air, my relaxed body began to follow The car wobbled left and right around the corner.The car turned to the right, and I leaned towards the stranger, so she pulled me and let me lean on her shoulder, and fell into a deep sleep.It's a safe feeling I've never had.I didn't like to have physical contact with people since I was a child, but that time I was so peacefully sleeping on the shoulder of a girl who I didn't even know. When I woke up, I was surprised.

In the hotel on the Alishan Mountain, she slept next to me, resting her head on my shoulder, breathing on her neck, feeling like she was going to be drowned.Struggling to get up in the middle of the night, I took the small train at three o'clock to the top of the mountain. The sleepiness in the carriage was swaying, and she suddenly sighed: If you were a boy, it would be fine, bumping and falling in the carriage.I blushed and didn't dare to respond.

After getting out of the car, there was still some distance to the top of the mountain. A tour guide shouted, "The sun is coming up soon, hurry up." The crowd became agitated and rushed forward, and they lost touch with her in the panic.Before the dawn, the sky and the earth were pitch black, terribly dark.When the phone rang, Xiaoxue's voice came, and she was a little worried: "Where are you, I don't want to watch the sunrise alone!"

I tried my best to wave my hand and then she found me at the moment when the sun rose, and we watched the rays of light shine on the low-pressure clouds, like dazzling ribbons, and the surroundings became brighter and brighter, enveloping me and her.I looked at Yun, then at her, and felt that they were all very close to me.

On the way down the mountain, I took her hand and put it in my pocket.The hands of both of them were wet, an ambiguous dampness.Suddenly, there was an unexplainable bond between us.

No one revealed it, but both of them clearly saw the bond that seemed to be there.Before returning to Macau, everyone else went out to have fun one afternoon, and we were the only ones left.The hotel room was very quiet, as if suddenly there was no room to maneuver and dodge.Xiaoxue and I were lying side by side, our hearts beating extremely fast.She suddenly spit out: "We are terrible." It seemed that after swallowing it in her mouth for a long time, the words became as tender as jade.We are bad, bad, bad, bad... I chewed the words that came out of her mouth over and over again.Turning over to look into her eyes: then, let it get too bad.Then I kissed her, her lips, her face, her chin, her temples, her neck.She let me listen to her heartbeat, there was a fawn hiding there.The dusk was receding, and the night spread out all of a sudden. That day she was lying beside me, looking at my eyes like stars.

She was still sitting next to me on the return flight. The plane descended and landed. During the slight turbulence, she leaned over her head and read a series of numbers in my ear.The voice is very low.But I remember it firmly, and I remember it so firmly that I can't erase it if I want to erase it later.

I started sending text messages to that phone number, when I missed, when I was bored, when I couldn't sleep: "Are you used to your body temperature and fragrance? Without them, I can't sleep." "The flower season is not over yet, Don't you think it's a pity that the flowers will wither?" She was always quiet, not particularly moved.However, from time to time, she would come to see me from one end of Macau to the other, to watch a movie, or just stand at Fisherman's Wharf for an afternoon and dusk.

After school started, the girls in the same room in the dormitory always went home, so Xiaoxue would come to live in every Tuesday, and I would go to her side on Friday.I began to add her clothes to the drawer: T-shirts, underwear, bras; my slippers and leather shoes were added to the bottom of her bed, and a toothbrush was added to the washing cup.I like to look at the two toothbrushes in the cup, snuggling together, looking very happy.

Xiaoxue always likes to bite my arm, and when she sees me, she grinds her teeth itchyly, and bites down through the sleeve, viciously, as if she wished she could eat me up.I started to be careful not to show my arms because there were bruises and teeth marks all over them.I only complain in front of her, and she will feel distressed when she sees her, so I take the ointment and apply it for me, muttering and complaining: "Hey, why is it so hard? You are so serious, don't you know how to scream pain?" I sat on the bed Looking at her silly smile. "Fool!" She would look up at me and say to Gentle with a smile.I was always stupid in front of her, I couldn't hide my shortcomings, and I didn't know where to lose my calmness and sharpness, so for a while she kept calling me Liu stupid.

Clumsy, helpless, and sensitive to the point where it hurts - like me from another life that has nothing to do with this life.

The day when Xiaoxue went to Germany as an exchange student was getting closer, and she was getting more and more uneasy about our relationship.There are already rumors about the ambiguity between us in the department, I have always ignored these, and no one mentioned it in front of me.But she cared about it, and sometimes Leng might as well mention that she had just "shuffled and changed cards" during the six months of being an exchange student, so she had to break up before leaving.I was always sad when I heard it, my heart twitched one after another, and I felt that I was the only one who was trying to cherish and maintain this relationship.Seeing me crying, Xiaoxue softened her heart and hugged me with a sigh.Around that time, I began to be extremely sensitive to her smell, and I could feel her presence from a distance away, which gave me the joy of a little secret that no one knew.

The day Xiaoxue checked out, I cried a lot.Before she left, she returned my coat. She took it from me and wore it often. I sat on the floor with it for a long time, thinking that I could sit on it for the rest of my life.The coat has been washed and there is no smell left on it.I know that she is really going to leave me and go to a place far away, who will accompany her?Who reminded her to bring an umbrella when it rained, and who stretched out her arm for her to bite?Who combs her hair after her bath?Who put her feet on her back to warm them up?Who will rub her calf cramps in the middle of the night?And me?Where can my clumsiness be placed?Who can I cry in front of?I sat on the floor leaning against the closet, tears fell from my eyes, as if they didn't belong to me.I think I must have owed Xiaoxue many, many tears in my previous life.Or I am a prodigal son who does not return, or a heartless actor, so I am destined to return all my tears to her in this life.

On the day Xiaoxue left, I didn't go to the airport.I'll pick you up when you come back.I told her on the phone, and went to work, undivided attention.I went back to the dormitory and slept for a long time. When I got up, I found that it was already dark. The weather and the time are not that important. I sat on the bed and watched the lights in the distance gradually light up. I counted them: "One, two, three, four, five..." Something in the body is closed, and it doesn't even feel cold.I handed over the body to the automatic navigation system, and hid in a corner by myself.

I began to wait for the time to talk to Xiaoxue every day. I was looking forward to it, but I was afraid to dial that number.Xiaoxue's voice became very cold after traveling halfway around the world, and she always said lightly: "Really? Well, yes." It was as if I was a debt collector.So I always take a while to calm down after the call.

Finally broke up.On the day of the call, the night fell like death, the lights were not turned on, the room was always dark, and I was also dark. I felt that a large part of my body had died, and my whole body hurt, a kind of dull pain.That was May [-], more than four years ago.

From the beginning of that day, at nine o'clock, my heart was always at seven o'clock, and in the blink of an eye, it was twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, which meant the beginning of heart pain. I held up the memory with all my heart and soul rise.It was the time of the exam, and I read the inside chapters of the thirteen chapters of Zhuangzi in a mess. My roommate will move back next semester, and I am the only one in the dormitory.I became even more silent. I used to be a quiet person who is now dumb. I often find that it is dark when I come back to my senses, the notes in front of me are scattered, and I don’t feel hot or hungry.Very occasionally, I would dream of her, squatting on the ground in a purple short-sleeved top, crying.I leaned over and pushed back the hair on her forehead and asked in a low voice: What's wrong, who bullied you?She raised her head and showed me the sunshine on her face, her facial features are so clear... This person I love so much...It's a pity that she no longer exists.

There was a time when the moments between sobriety and twilight each morning were the hardest for me. I didn't know I had so much emotion to squander.Later, it gradually got better, except for occasionally feeling lonely.It's just that often I think I'm really getting better, really, no more pain.There is always a song, a sentence, a smell, or a figure that reminds me: I'm sorry, you haven't recovered yet, you still hurt.Like cancer, the disease comes and goes again and again, and it never dies and never gets better. It drags on and on, and even I feel bored.

The author has something to say: Regarding the letter received by Saori, some plots have been moved to the end of the last chapter. Friends who have followed up the article before may wish to read it from the latter part of the last chapter if they have time.