1921

Chapter 25 Despair

Sunny Monday, September [-]

The Mid-Autumn Festival was held two days after school started, and I stayed alone in the rented house, not knowing what to do.

Ye Aichen and I chose a [-]-square-meter two-bedroom and one living room, and tidied up the one that was originally a study, so that Ye Aichen and I had exactly one bedroom.The house is not very far from the school, very close to the west gate, but it is a bit far to go to the teaching building and other buildings on the east gate.

Ye Aichen asked me if I wanted to go somewhere for the Mid-Autumn Festival. He made an appointment with his friends to go to Jiuzhaigou, and I could go with them.I didn't want to waste money, so I didn't go.Ye Aichen persuaded me once, but seeing that I really didn't want to go, she stopped talking.

They took the train the afternoon before yesterday and are scheduled to come back today.

In addition to my tutoring work this semester, I also have a part-time job at the "Old Times" bookstore.But because I have to go to class, I can't have enough time like in the summer vacation, so I discussed with Lin Jian and adjusted my working hours. I don't have to go every day. I can go when I don't have classes. The time is mainly concentrated on Tuesday and Wednesday. Friday and Sunday, wages end.Because I had nothing to do during the holidays, I went to work in the bookstore two days ago, and I went to an early shift today.

I came back to sleep in the afternoon, but Ye Aichen hadn't come back yet.I sat on the bed, blowing the fan, in a daze.

I have to say that although I don't believe it, Wang Lerui's words still had a great impact on me.From that day on, I found that I couldn't look at Ye Aichen and talk, sometimes I even wanted to avoid him.I know Ye Aichen did nothing wrong, but I still can't help but want to reduce contact with him.He must have thought I was weird.

I used to get along with Ye Aichen like this all the time, but one day, someone told me that our way of getting along was very strange and problematic, and I suddenly didn't know what to do.How to get along with Ye Aichen is correct and appropriate?I finally found the method, but others told me that it was wrong, and I had to start groping again.And this process, in the eyes of Ye Aichen, who is accustomed to the original way of getting along, probably feels incomprehensible.I don't want to, but I really can't grasp the sense of distance.

How do other people get along with their friends?

I lay down on the bed feeling very annoyed.

When the evening approached, Ye Aichen came back, full of dust.I made something to eat at random, and I asked him to eat with him after he came out of the wash.He walked to the dining table and was about to sit down, as if he remembered something, he went back to the room and came out after a while.

"This is for you." Ye Aichen put something on the table, "Amulet. I bought it over there. It looks pretty, so I bought it back. I don't know if you like this style."

The amulet is very simple, with a small spherical turquoise engraved on a black-brown handmade rope, engraved with intricate and delicate patterns.

"Thank you." I said, "Will this be expensive?"

"It's okay." Ye Aichen took a sip of the food and said, "The boss said it's true, and I don't understand this, so I just bought it because it's not expensive."

After dinner, Ye Aichen wanted to wash the dishes, so I asked him to rest and I would do the washing.

"Traveling is good, but it's also very tiring." Ye Aichen leaned on the door frame and talked to me, "Wu Zi, I really want you to see the scenery there with your own eyes. It's really beautiful."

I smiled and said nothing.

I know it's beautiful there. There are so many photos on the Internet, and you can see it with just a search.But now I want to save money, and I really don't have the ability to travel.

I have to let myself become independent as soon as possible.

I put the bowl away, wiped my hands, and walked out of the kitchen.When passing by Ye Aichen, he smiled, then stopped me, and wiped my forehead with his hand.

"I don't know how you wash dishes. You can also get dish soap foam here."

I immediately covered my forehead, took two steps back, and distanced myself from him.Ye Aichen's hand was still in the air and he didn't have time to take it back. He seemed to be confused by my sudden movement. He was stunned for two seconds before he took it back, and then apologized in a low voice.

"I won't do it next time." He lowered his head, unable to see clearly.

"No..." I didn't mean that.I don't know why I have such a reaction. When I realize it, the body has acted before the brain.Would Ye Aichen think that I hate him so he refuses his help?

"Then... I'll go back to the room first." Ye Aichen stood up straight and walked towards the room.

When he moved, I actually took another step back.

I also don't know why this is happening.

But I know I must have hurt Ye Aichen.

Ye Ai Shen didn't say anything, but paused, and continued to walk towards his room.

I stood there regretting my inexplicable actions. Ye Aichen stood at the door of his room, holding the handle with his back to me, and suddenly asked, "Wu Zi, did I do something that displeased you?"

Hate?

No, it is not.Ye Aichen didn't do anything to annoy me, it was just my convulsions, and it had nothing to do with Ye Aichen.On the contrary, I am the one who should apologize, and my neurotic behavior hurt Ye Aichen.

"No!" I hurriedly explained, "You didn't do anything, it's...my own problem, I'm sorry..."

I was more influenced by Wang Lerui's words than I imagined.

What should I do?How can we get the best of both worlds?

Why should I care about those words?That was nonsense in the first place, why should I upset my friend with it?

What the hell am I thinking...

"If I do something you don't like, you can tell me directly, and I will change it." After speaking, Ye Aichen walked into the room, faced me, and said to me: "Then, good night." Then closed the door.

Dejectedly, I turned off the light in the living room and went back to the room, lying on the bed.Moonlight fell through the window, illuminating the desk and the end of the bed in front of the window.

I want to apologize to Ye Aichen, but I don't know how to explain myself.I can't tell him what Wang Lerui said, in that case, he might be more uncomfortable.

Why on earth did I have such a reaction just now?

I obviously don't believe those words, since I don't believe it, then I shouldn't reject Ye Aichen's actions.If only the sense of distance is considered, it is normal to see something on a friend's face to help remove, and it is not an overly intimate action, and I should not reject it.

If the above explanation cannot be established, does it mean that I actually...believe those words?Or do you believe it to a certain extent?

To what extent do I... believe it?Which part did you believe?

My hand found the amulet stuffed in my pocket, and I took it out.By moonlight, in the dim room, I looked at it carefully.The azure stone shone brightly in the moonlight, and the patterns on it seemed vivid and mysterious.

This is the amulet Ye Aichen chose for me.

There was a voice rushing through my heart.

After hearing clearly what the voice said, I couldn't believe it.

how can that be possible?

How could I...

Impossible, impossible...

There must be something wrong!

I……

Sunny Sunday September [-]th

I'm very confused these days.

Because of confusion, I checked a lot of things.Because I have checked a lot of things, I have been confused by different opinions and don't know what is right.

For the first time, I hate the uncertainty of the Internet.

I found some romance novels in the bookstore to read.At the beginning, Lin Jian made a few jokes, but he didn't always make fun of it, and later recommended some books that he thought were not bad for me to read.Although the love described in the book can sometimes be viewed with twists and turns, it basically leads to a happy and perfect ending.I don't understand, what kind of mood is liking, and what kind of performance will it have?

Besides, this is different from mine.

After turning over the last page, I closed the book, a bit regretful that I still didn't find the answer I wanted, and couldn't help sighing.

"If you sigh all day long, happiness will fly away." Lin Jian raised his eyes from the phone to look at me, and said to me. "What happened? You've always been frowning recently. You can talk about what you can say, maybe I can play a role."

I couldn't find anyone to talk to, and Lin Jian seemed to be a very reliable person. I collected my thoughts in my heart and asked slowly, "Brother Lin, do you know what 'like' is?"

Lin Jian raised his eyebrows, put down his phone, "Are you in love?"

"No...not..." I quickly clarified.

"No wonder I've been reading some romance novels recently." Lin Jian suddenly realized.

"No, Brother Lin." I waved my hand, "I'm just asking."

"Then you have someone you like." Lin Jian concluded.

I didn't refute, because I don't know whether I like it or not.Because I didn't know, I wanted to ask Lin Jian to see if he knew. "I just don't quite understand what liking is, in the sense of love."

Lin Jian thought for a while and asked me: "Then you know what you like about things, right?"

I nodded.

"To put it simply, liking for love is similar to liking for objects. You are happy when you see it, and you are happy when you own it. But liking for love is not the same as liking for objects. It is deeper than liking for objects. Like You may want to have the same item, but it is not necessary. If you can’t get it, you may give up. But the love of love is that you must have the other person, only that person. If you want to have him/her, let He/she belongs to you completely, no one can take it away, and you are not willing to give it to anyone. You want to be the only one for the other party, and you also hope that you are the only one for the other party, and you have a very strong desire for exclusiveness.” Lin Jian Said, "If you can't be with each other, you may not forget it for a long time, maybe a year or two, or maybe ten years, decades, or even a lifetime."

Is love like this?

Lin Jian sighed with emotion: "Of course, liking someone doesn't mean you can detect it immediately. Sometimes, some people take a long time to realize that they like someone, and during this time If it is too long, the other party may think that the person he likes does not like him, until he can't wait any longer, and then leaves. So," Lin Jian looked back at me, "It is the best thing to be able to figure out your own mind and not miss that person. Okay. After all, the feeling of waiting is really uncomfortable."

I seem to understand.

"By the way, haven't you read such a romantic novel, and you don't have any insights?" Lin Jian asked me suddenly.

"I don't know, I just feel that... those don't seem to be suitable for me." I said my feelings.

Lin Jian smiled and rubbed my hair, "I always feel that you are a bit stupid, Wu Zi."

It was the first time Lin Jian rubbed his hair, heard his laughter and what he said, and felt that his IQ was insulted by him.

When you like someone, you can only see the other person in your eyes. When you see the other person happy, you will be happy, and when the other person is sad, you will also be sad.There is something that always thinks about the other person, wants to see the other person, and wants to know what the other person is doing.Seeing the other party will make your heart beat faster, and you will feel shy when you meet your eyes.I will look forward to the future with the other party and want to be with the other party forever.Miss you together, miss you even more if you're not together...

Searching for "what is it like to like someone" on the Internet, most of the rhetoric comes up, it feels so broad.

Things like emotions cannot be like math problems, and the answer can be calculated according to the established steps.However, I am still a liberal arts student, and I understand that such illusory things are the most difficult to explain clearly.

Although Lin Jian gave me an explanation, I'm still not sure.

and……

The reason why I want to know the definition of "like" is because of a voice that came out of my heart that night, and I wanted to refute it, so I was looking for evidence.

I don't think I have more affection for Ye Aichen than a friend.Although I really value Ye Aichen as a rare friend because I am not good at getting along with people, but Ye Aichen is a boy, and so am I. No matter how much I value him, he will not exceed the category of a good brother. How could it be? As Wang Lerui said.

Besides, Ye Aichen has someone he likes, although he says he won't confess his love, how can the future be decided?If one day that person sees Ye Aichen's goodness, maybe he will take the initiative to confess his love to Ye Aichen, and then Ye Aichen's long-cherished wish will be fulfilled, and they will be together.

I decided not to bother.

Because the answer is definitely no.

After the guests left, I went to tidy up the bookshelves, and Tao Shi came.

Lin Jian's friend came to the bookstore frequently, and he and the boss were friends, and the people in the store were also familiar with him, and sometimes they would joke around and ask him to buy food.

Tao Shi brought a box of matcha egg yolk cakes today, and said that he had invited next week's portion first.

"I'm going on a business trip next week, so I won't be here. I'll prepare something for you first, so don't make me ask for it when I come back." Tao Shi said with a smile, "If you eat my food, you should take care of it." Help me look after the shop in the forest."

"That's for sure." A clerk swears while eating egg yolk pastry, "However, Brother Tao, if you bring something more when you come next time, then I will definitely pay more attention!"

"Brother Lin is my boss, who will we help if we don't help him?" The other girl laughed out loud, and then puffed her mouth out angrily, "Brother Tao, you make us look like housekeepers. It seems that I am angry, the kind that cannot be dispelled by a hundred durian layers."

"Actually, you want Brother Tao to buy Durian Melaleuca, it's so heavy!"

"Durians are so delicious."

……

When they were arguing, Lin Jian came out of the rest room and asked, "What are you talking about?"

Tao Shi handed the egg yolk cake to Lin Jian, "Tell me that I'm going on a business trip next week, let them work hard."

"Are you going on a business trip?" Lin Jian asked.

"Well, short notice." Tao Shi replied.

"Oh." Lin Jian said that he knew, and ate the egg yolk cake.

I stood by and listened to their chat, and I always felt that Lin Jian was not in a particularly good mood.

In the evening, I clean up in the store, and I can leave work after tidying up.Because I have to go to class on Monday, I usually don’t stay in the store until it closes on Sunday. Most of the time, I am alone in the forest.

The bell rang, and Tao Shi, who had only been here in the afternoon, came again.He asked me where the forest was, and I pointed to the direction of the rest room. He thanked me and walked in.

I put away the sanitary ware, checked it, and waited for Lin Jian to come out at the cash register.When he comes out, I can go back.

I don't know what Tao Shi was looking for in the forest, but they didn't come out after a long time.

In fact, there is not only a rest room at the back of the store, but also a small warehouse next to it, which stores books, and Lin Jian was counting in it before Tao Shi came.Could it be that Tao Shi was helping Lin Jian?

I thought about it for a while, and decided to go in and ask how long it would take in the forest.When he walked to the door of the warehouse, he heard Tao Shi's voice coming from inside.

"Are you still angry? Don't be angry, how about a smile? You see, I have already counted the books for you." It was quite novel to hear Tao Shi speak in a coaxing tone for the first time.

"I'm out of breath." Lin Jian said, "The books are counted, I should go out. Wu Zi has to study tomorrow, I have to let him go back."

"Aren't you angry?" Tao Shi asked.

"Really." Lin Jian's tone was a little helpless, "Why should I be angry on a business trip? Just pay attention to safety when you are on a business trip."

"Seeing that you're not in a good mood all the time, I thought you were angry that I didn't tell you earlier? This time I really said it temporarily, and I will be the first to tell you in the future." Tao Shi promised.

"Are you a child?"

"That's right." Tao Shi said, "I really want to put you in my backpack and take you there with me."

"..."

"What should I do? Before I left, I started to miss you." Tao Shi's voice was a little lower than before.

"Aren't you childish?" Lin Jian scolded him with a smile.

The two of them stopped talking suddenly, and I was just wondering if they were about to come out, when I heard the sound of tsk, tsk, water, and faint squeaks.

When I realized what was going on inside, my face instantly became very hot.

They... Lin Jian and Tao Shi, they actually...

When I came back to my senses, I ran out quickly.

After Lin Jian and Tao Shi came out, I didn't dare to look at them, I just bowed my head to say goodbye to them and went out with my backpack.

That kind of relationship between Lin Jian and Tao Shi...

No wonder Tao Shi said it was his family's forest.

I seem to know a great thing.

what to do?I felt the impact was a bit heavy, and my heart was beating non-stop.

After returning to the rented room, Ye Aichen came out of the bedroom with a water glass to collect water, "I'm back."

I nodded, feeling my face was still a little hot.

"What's wrong with you? Have you got a fever?" Ye Aichen asked me when I walked to the living room after pouring the water, and when he passed by me, he raised his left hand as if to touch my forehead.

I looked at him, and felt that the temperature of my face, which was still a little bit warm, suddenly became the same as before, even hotter than before.I didn't dare to look at him again, turned my face away, and glanced around.

Ye Ai withdrew her hand in a deep embarrassment, "I'm sorry."

I know he must have misunderstood.

"I remember there is a thermometer in the cabinet, you can measure it, if you really have a fever, you should take medicine quickly." Then he added, "Your face is really red."

I nodded indiscriminately, and went to the cabinet to find a thermometer.

"If you need anything, just come to me, I can't sleep yet."

"Ah."

After Ye Ai returned to the room, I stopped looking for the thermometer, squatted for a while, and returned to my room.

Of course I don't have a fever, I still know this, I'm just a little bit stimulated.

When Ye Aichen wanted to touch my forehead to test my body temperature, I actually remembered the voices of Lin Jian and Tao Shi I heard in the bookstore.Ye Aichen was very close to me, and I could smell the body wash on him, as well as the bitter taste of the freshly brewed coffee in his cup.His hand was getting closer and closer to my forehead, and my heart was beating faster and faster.When Ye Aichen withdrew his hand, I was still a little lost, as if I was looking forward to his touch.

How could this be?

I hugged the pillow overwhelmed.

I was clearly sure that I would never have feelings for Ye Aichen more than a friend, why am I suddenly not sure now?Moreover, there is a faint tendency to completely refute it.

Could it be because of the stimulation just now?

To be honest, I really didn't expect that there was someone beside me who was the kind of person Wang Lerui said.I didn't mean anything to them, just a little surprised.

How did Lin Jian and the others make sure that they liked each other?

"You want to own him/her, let him/her belong to you completely, no one can take it away, and you are not willing to give it to anyone. You want to be the only one for the other party, and you also hope that you are the only one for the other party, Has a very strong desire for monopoly." The words that Lin Jian said to me were circling in my mind, and I couldn't help but think of Ye Aichen.

To Ye Aichen... I do have such feelings.

I actually don't want to give him to the person he likes at all.

But, it's just because I don't have any friends who rely too much on Ye Aichen!

It's just... that's it... that's all...

but--

The more I think about it, the more I feel that I can no longer say that.

The indescribable sour and sweet feeling in my heart when I think of Ye Aichen cannot be just because he is my friend.

I seem to really... have feelings for Ye Aichen that go beyond friends...

Maybe I really am the kind of person Wang Lerui said.

How to do?

what should I do?

Is this kind of feeling wrong?

Surely Ye Aichen would not accept this kind of feeling, right?

He just treats me as a friend.

……

I like Ye Aichen.

But why, my heart is so desperate.